My Story
I wish I was able to share this on senior retreat. I think I’m going to share it with my friends soon. Well… here it goes.
Last year around August.. things started to fall apart. While most kids were wishing summer was longer, I was ready for senior year to start just so I wouldn’t have to be in my house anymore. My parents were having issues… friendships were falling apart and I just wanted to be distracted by something else. Its weird.. for someone to actually wish for school. Anyways, by the time October came around I was really depressed. I didn’t want to do anything with school, running, or sometimes even with friends. I had to put on a mask every day so no one would question anything. Well.. only one of my friends could see behind this mask. My best friend. She knew what was wrong with me no matter how many times I told her “I’m fine.” … by that time I had reached a point of hopelessness… that I didn’t really care what happened to me. I would stay at school as late as possible so I wouldn’t have to go home and be stressed. Then.. I self harmed. It was so stupid now that I look back on it but at the time, it was the only pain I could control. At that time.. my best friend wouldn’t take no for an answer anymore. She finally got me to work up enough courage to see one of our school’s guidance counselors so I could talk about my problems. I hated it at the time, and I resented the fact that my best friend was doing that to me… but now I should be thanking her. It helped A LOT… being able to talk to someone about everything who I knew wouldn’t tell a soul and didn’t know any of my friends. I didn’t want to tell anyone at first because I didn’t want my friends or family to find out.. I didn’t want to be a disappointment or a burden to anyone. Things got better after that… yeah, its still tough but its not as bad as it was. It could have been worse. I’ve recently fallen back into a slump that has become extremely hard to bounce back from.. and I don’t know when I will. I hope I do soon. Senior retreat has helped alot and has given me the courage to finally be able to share this with more people. I guess the moral or lesson that can be taken away from all of this is that you really don’t know what anyone is going through… so be nice to everyone no matter what.
there is so much more I could add…. but I don’t know how else to put it.
Taking life into a new perspective.
I don’t know what happened, but something inside of me changed. I got over things that used to bother me. I seem happier but I keep asking myself, why? I guess I always tend to question things even when I shouldn’t. I realized that really simple things can make me happy… whether its a hug from someone I love, or just staring in awe at the world around me when the sun is shining and the wind is blowing against me. Idk… but I feel more at peace, more okay with myself. Its just weird. I could cry because i’m really happy… or I could cry because I’m upset. But it helps to just let it out… I feel more at ease once everything is settled. Idk whats going on, but I think I like it?
Oh no
Man.. I really did it this time. I managed to upset my best friend within minutes over something that will probably never get resolved. Its my own fault too… I need to get over myself. I feel like such a bitch and that’s probably because I am one. I’m never confident in what I say and I have a feeling this confrontation tomorrow isn’t going to end well. I’m scared.
There’s Tension
There is so much tension within my group of friends right now. Whether some people notice it or not, I know its there and others have noticed it too. Our large group of friends is slowly splitting into smaller groups and we’re all stepping on each other’s toes. Let me break it down.
1. Adam said he was “asleep” and ditched Scott which made Scott late for the party and completely blown off by Adam. Adam did this two weeks ago to me.
2. Lauren is putting words in others mouths and its getting annoying. Amanda is slightly irritated towards her and was not in the best mood last night or today at the mall when dealing with her.
3. Alex is frustrated with Scott and Adam because they never try to hang out or always shoot him down whenever he tries to say something apparently.
4. Dana is getting frustrated with everyone about senior week because it isn’t her fault her dad won’t book the place yet.
5. I’m mad at Alex, pissed off by Adam, and frustrated with my closest friends that no one even cares anymore.
6. I’m disappointed with myself because I still can’t deal with things and my depression is getting worse and every time I try to bring up a serious topic with someone it gets pushed aside and avoided. If I can’t talk to my friends about it and my guidance counselor is always busy… how can I vent? I know I put up a strong front saying I can handle things but I can’t anymore.
but sadly.. there’s much much more.
